Well well, look who is back on updating her blog. It's like this place really needs a big clean up.
Like how many years again for the last update? two? or more?
I almost forgot that I had a blog where I wrote the events and memorable stuff here. I did have a few quick looks at the previous post. All I could say is that my English improves a lot. Not only the grammar, well of course with the help of Chrome to correct it for me, but the way I delivered the meaning and things I wanted to express are getting better. I keep on questioning myself what the heck was I trying to say in that post.
A really big facepalm to myself.
I realize the last post was about my life or final exam of a second-year University student. But actually, there was a hidden post on my draft so I am just gonna ignore or delete that one. Hence it was like 5 years ago I believe.
Wow. Big shoutout for that. For these 5 years, I had done another 4 to 5-semester exam, 10 weeks of internship as the I&C trainee, I had the toughest time when my dad was had the heart attack where I almost felt broken apart but Alhamdulillah, Allah haven't taken him from me, getting fatter, stressing about all the project of every subject, done my final year project, I graduated without extending my degree, having my first car, work as the part-time tutor, get my first job and quit, convocation where I hard work payback after 4 years and the final moment for the batchmate to meet and gather before entering the employment life, and I get another job offer as the SL1m trainee and finally as the permanent staff at Petrofiq Sdn Bhd. Oh, not forget about the termination of all my office-mate too. Reason? Just the end of operation of the company.
It is just a way of life though, people come and go. I thankful for Petrofiq the opportunity and experiences, I meet great people and fun friends too indeed. We are still contacting each other after we all had gotten apart.
I had been jobless for about 7 months. I never had really realized that 7 months had passed. I mean I really should though. These 7 months, my sister had moved to Kuantan to pursue her study, I had travel for 2 timed, Aunty Mina had passed away and all.
2019 is getting the end. It is already in the mid of November. Time flies, and I didn't do any productive or memorable thing in 2019.
But there at least a sweet thing happens where I am employed and will have my first day of work next Monday. My first job after 7 months being hiatus.
The main reason for me to post is here. I am going to talk about what happened and the feeling for the jobless period I had gone through. I know there is a lot more human face the hardships that much more worst than mine. But, this is my real-life story and it change my way of thinking. I am going to share it with those who might face the same situation. Everyone has a different tolerance of pressure toward anything that there had gone through of their life. As the idioms saying Standing On One's Shoes. Basically, it means you could not understand someone's life or situation as you are not in their position or perspective. So yah. Let get started.
I had felt hopeless and sad for these past 7 months. My sleeping hour was upside down, I felt embarrassed to update my status. I felt so useless whenever I saw the activities of my friends did on the network.
I questioned so much. I even felt so unfair. To compare the quality of lifestyle of them and mine, I realized there was the moment that I felt Allah is not being fair to me to where I know I shouldn't thinking that way. I kept recalling and told myself they were not as good me but why did they get a better offer and who let them have the permission to have higher demands of job than me. I was better.
Later I had convinced myself that Oh maybe Allah had better options for me than them. And that's the reason I started to wait. Wait for better option to come to me without any effort and done anything. I only did search and apply through the Jobstreet and other online mechanisms. I did attend to some career fairs but sadly no reply from any company that I did drop my resume in.
This anxiousness always exists and it gets worst/obvious when my sister came back from Kuantan for a few days
I have been blamed. Blamed for not being effective, blamed for being picky, blamed for not being serious on the journey of my job hunting. Some really do not understand the low confidence of us the fresh graduate with the lower class qualification. Of course, this shouldn't be blamed on them. I mean, the qualification result did affect your chance of getting the job. A higher chance will be given to those who are better so deal with it.
But all of the hopeless of the rejection of job application, the judgement of the family, the struggle of searching the chances and all depression were finally shaken the confidence of myself. I felt so sad. I don't want to look at the achievement of others as it reflects on how awful of myself. I get frustrated and wanted to escape when my family questioning my situation. My temper gets so bad. I felt angry all the time. I even felt anxious and nervous for no reason. I get so paranoid when I heard my name was mentioned by my mom or sister where I was so sure they were bad-mouthing me on my situation.
The worst is while all the things happened, I act like I don't care, I act like things will get better which luckily it does getting better a bit. But at that time, I kept telling myself that things will get better even tho I know it was the worst. I act like I did not know what were they trying to say, I act like I still have the chance, I act like I haven't given all the best I could but in fact, I did all the best I could be.
I could not even cry cause I know I am not in the position to do so. I ignore the help signal that flashed in my though. I was so naive to think that ignore it and it will disappear. Ignore it so it did not happen. But things get worst.
It started when I was told to get rid of garbage (Well, it's my chore to do so). While I was walking to the front gate of my house, I start to feel depressed. Maybe Allah wants to help or save me or wanted me to be patient on his plan. The words Allah had a better plan to you, the worst time will pass, He will not let you face the hardship that you could not handle, these kinds of words get into my mind. Sadly, I denied it. Just a moment of time, I feel like I cursed (Of course in my mind). I denied it by questioned Him. So when will it pass? Am I not in the worst situation? I must be forgotten as I am not a good follower of him. These words are all bullsh*t. It could not calm me down. And all these denying thoughts pass through my mind within just a few seconds. Then I realize I shouldn't do so. I should not question him. But the negative thoughts were like keep hunting me and I tried to find a calming source for myself. But no. I don't see any stars cause there was the notice of storms coming soon and I am not sure what will I get to feel better if I did saw the stars.
If it was a starry night but I still feeling down over it, I am guessing that I will feel even worse than this. Hahaha.
Back to it, I knew I don't feel alright at all and I knew it was its wrong to questioning Allah over my situation and I could not calm myself. Again, I ignore it, get inside the house and not give in another thought to it.
I know I am getting much more pressure when my brother started to ask my sisters to collect funds on paying my car loan. I told him I still could pay for it but he insisted I am not which is true cause I started to dig my own ASB savings. My sisters were trying to insist that I still able to pay it but my brother knows it was the limit of my savings.
"Its been a while for her unemployment. Do you think she still has the money to pay?"
Its pressure me a lot. I never want my unemployment had become another of pressure to anyone of my family.
Here came the worst night ever, after my sister return to Kuantan. I felt so hopeless and hard to breathe when I was alone in my room. My head was so heavy that I felt like I could pass out any time soon. It was so heavy that I could not sit straight ( I was sitting). My shoulder bent so much that it was so hard to straighten up. A heavy thought had come to my mind. It told me that life is so tired, I want to throw away this life. My chest tightening. I force myself to not think so but it like the heavy negative though crushing my positive mind. And to against it, it was tired too. I get scared. It feels like I could not control how my mind works. Is that how the suicidal people going through? I scared of Allah, I scared of pain, and I scared of death. People die not in the hands of himself. Allah planned it. But I scared that even though I know and understand all of this, I still could not control myself. I scared that I diagnosed with the so-called depression. I was so scared to tell my parents or others.
And next, I did the thing I am good at. I ignored it again. But this time, I prayed. I prayed to get rid of this situation as soon as possible, I prayed to not beat down for this situation. I prayed so that I am strong enough, I pray to have something that is good for me to happen, if it is still not the time, please have something happen to distract me from the negative. Please let me get near to you, please don't make me strong enough to not judge you. Please forgive my sins, the sins of my family, and make us one of them who could stay in heaven. Please took us when we are closest to you. Amin.
My prayer answers me the next morning. He did hear me. I get a call from a friend of mine to go for an interview and I get the job after an hour stayed at home. Alhamdulillah.
Though I know this is not the best situation yet but there is a change of my though. It makes me stay believe on Allah. Stop questioning all the hardships. Keep the faith for Allah and His plan. Though I still get shaken on my life and still feel anxious, but my faith for Him gets stronger.
La ilaha illallah Muhammadur Rasulullah.
I wrote all the things and feeling so that whenever there is a day that I feel weak, I could look back and remember again.
To be honest, it is hard for me to write back all the details. Not only it is hard to remember all the events and thought, but also the heavy feeling on it.
For sure now I am trying to change myself back to the productive me. Well, I was not that productive to begin with, but I wish I could make myself a new me, with passion in life, less worry, happy, a full of wonders and faith, It is not that I don't like myself now, I really like the life of being slack of and all, but I wish I could enjoy the things that I should be experienced on my current age and times. We are all getting old, aren't we?
Time goes without turning back. So if it is the time, then just do it.
I am glad my family and I are sound and great.
Just another of day
Yasmin.
