I need to admit that I have anxiety.
I started with cover up the last month story first. I got a job as soon as February begin. My first job as a M&E Engineer but unfortunately, I began to have anxiety during my work. To be honest, I know I am not okay since the end of December 2019 . Like my previous post had mention, I have feel the strong anxious feeling, worry, a feeling kind of like depression. I am being self-conscious, uncomfortable and feel like vomit during work. Everyday is like hell for me during that times. I became so nervous whenever people were started to notice or look at me. For only a week, I survived only a week and I had lose to my anxiety. I actually not remember well how I felt but I know it was hell for me. Everyday was so tiring. I trembled every times when I was at work. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. Breathing was a tired thing to me and my chest felt so heavy. I didn't feel like eating too. At the end, I choose to quit. I have not yet talk to my family about this. Just hope there will be a perfect time for me to tell. Its been a month after I quit and I only did tell my friends.
At the beginning, I felt useless of myself, so disappointed of myself, self pitying and every self judgement I could done. I cried alone, I desperately want to talk to someone and asked for help. I was so jealous of all the walking strangers around me and sometimes I still do. I fely like I had forgotten how did I keep alive all these times. Forgotten how to be relax and much more. I even feel like time passed really slow. The feeling of helpless was so strong. The whole thing lasted about a week.
I did write down my deep feelings. It did help a bit at the beginning. I wrote the things I wanna achieve and I clearly thought I'm gonna get through all of these depressions and live healthfully and freely. But after a few day, the helpless feeling came back. Everyday was like a cycle. I woke up, felt depress, talked to a friend or stranger through the GOODNIGHT app, felt better and then I slept to end the day. It repeat the same and lasted about a week.
I told my closed friends, I did hint my mom. And when I though the pain gonna last long, I felt greatful as I experience less feeling now. I wonder why and how but I think it might be I passed through the hardest part or get used to it.
I could not say I had passed the hard times as sometimes I still can feel the sadness deep inside. I could not find out the reason I am having all these feeling until now. But I know that I am not gonna let myself to continue stay in the sudden sadness which its not really a big deal at all. And I started to accept that I was sad, I was in depression.
But things don't get better. I noticed that I had difficulty while driving. I think it might be the driving anxiety.
At first it happened when it was in long distance, from my home to KK city. Once or twice would happen for a rout. I used to be able to control it by taking deep breath. Then, the distance become shorter. I could only drive to kingfisher. Then Sulaeman, Telipok area and lastly only within the Bandar Sierra. And now, even deep breath could not help me much.
The other day where I wish to drive to One Borneo. During the journey, I could felt the anxiety coming but I pushed myself to fight for it. That time, I kind of lose to it, as soon as I did the u-turn, I felt light-headed, dizzyness, and felt that I might faint or lose control. I was so scared that I might hit someone or cause accident. I stopped at the bus station. I could felt my heart beat really fast. That time i know it really is a big deal.
What worry me the most is that how am I going to tell my family about my anxiety that come from no where. I really wanted to look for a doctor but have no courage to.
My condition still not be findout by them due to the COVID outbreak. To those that think the movement control/lockdown is a miserable event to them, it was actually a stolen time for me. I really don't know how and what to do after the outbreak. About my job, about my anxiety.
I had plan abit. Its either tell them I'm fired ot to start for a work from home career. Or if I am lucky enough, I could pass the ATC online exam and interview to get train at KL. I just hope that my anxiety will not stop me if I got the opportunity. And my last hope will be as the part time research assistant to my lecturers.
Ya Allah, please take away my anxiety from me and if this is the hardship for me, please let me have courage to overcome it. Please promise me a stable future, stable career, and faithful relationships. I really hope I could free from these unnecessary and get my dream job.
Ya Allah, please make sure my families and friends are sound and safe. And please let us to be able to go thought the Covid outbreaks. All the frontliners will be safe.
Ya Allah, please forgive all the sins of mine, my parents, my families and friends. Please make sure we all will be the members of the Heaven. Strengthen our the faithfulness towards you. Amin.
The whole world is worry about the outbreaks of the corona virus, it definitely will be record as important history and this stage of my life would also be a unforgettable events of mine. May everything will be ease by You Ya Allah. Amin.
May my next post will get more frequent. May this would be the last post of mine about all the sadness, anxiety or depression. At least please let me to have slow progress of getting better or treatment effect. May my condition getting better everyday.
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